Conservative Victim Card

Cartoon

No Weirdos!

Attaboy Clarence!

"Look Daddy! Teacher says every time a bell rings, a disciple of Ayn Rand
packs his bags for the Libertarian Paradise of East Somalia!"

Dog's Diary - Cat's Diary

Shamelessly expropriated from a Facebook friend

He & She

She: Why don't I dazzle you anymore?

He: After 20 years, I've done gone blind from the glare.


.

Geek Humor

While we're on the subject of Twilight Zone

William Shatner is terrified by the monster
outside the window of his airliner in

The Twilight Zone: Nightmare at 20,000 Feet (1963)

Narrator: [opening Narration] "Portrait of a frightened man: Mr. Robert Wilson, thirty-seven, husband, father, and salesman on sick leave. Mr. Wilson has just been discharged from a sanitarium where he spent the last six months recovering from a nervous breakdown, the onset of which took place on an evening not dissimilar to this one, on an airliner very much like the one in which Mr. Wilson is about to be flown home - the difference being that, on that evening half a year ago, Mr. Wilson's flight was terminated by the onslaught of his mental breakdown. Tonight, he's travelling all the way to his appointed destination, which, contrary to Mr. Wilson's plan, happens to be in the darkest corner of the Twilight Zone."

Out of Service

Try to keep it down...

Satan called....

(image shamelessly appropriated from a friend's Facebook page, nothing is safe.)

The Mystery of the Unflushable John

It's been awhile since I dribbled anything onto these pages. One excuse for that, I suppose, is that I have been traveling for work of late. I arrived in San Antonio last night and checked into my room and racked out pretty early, being tired from driving. The alarm woke me up at 6am and I do the morning ablutions thing, but I ran into a little puzzle right after having used the fine porcelain facilities provided by a thoughtful management. Here is a picture of my difficulty.




So, I'm looking all over this thing for a handle or a button or a chain or something I'm supposed to use to flush it.



As you can see, the right side is handle free...



The left side is likewise, handleless...

So I figure, heck, I'm a computer science professional! Surely I can figure out some way to flush this stupid toilet. Now, I'm no plumber, but I have, as it happens, replaced the innards of numerous toilets in my day and am somewhat familiar with how the process works, so I figure I'll open the thing up and pull the stopper up from the inside. This will have the added advantage of being able to see where the handle comes in to pull said stopper, and the mystery will be solved. This is what greeted me upon taking the lid off the top of the toilet:






This was not what I was expecting. In the first place, there ain't no stopper to pull up to flush the toilet, so the first part of my plan has already fizzled. In the second place, there doesn't appear to be anything protruding into the tank from the outside that would be able to act as an actuator for whatever the hell this machine is. Still, something has to make it go, and I start wiggling things on the tank thingy until I accidentally push on the gizmo right on the top. Sure enough, thar she blows. My lightening-like intellect immediately seizes on the solution to the puzzle and I remove the towel and roll of tissue with which the maid has thoughtfully decorated the tank lid, and sure enough.... There it is!





In my defense, it was 6:15 Monday morning, and I was, arguably, not at my best, but still.

Only till I need glasses...

The Parent Company Trap

Is Fox News evil or stupid for not mentioning that Alwaleed bin Talal is News Corp.'s largest shareholder? Jon Stewart reports, you decide.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Parent Company Trap
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

America's Joyous Future

Back in Black - Glenn Beck's Nazi Tourette's

Lewis Black's rif on Glenn Beck on last night's "Daily Show" was brilliant!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Back in Black - Glenn Beck's Nazi Tourette's
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

I'm just saying, ya know?

The Story of the Non-conformist Sparrow

Once upon a time there was a non-conformist sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. Soon, however, the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south after all. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and the poor little bird fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. The sparrow thought this was the end, but presently a cow passed by and crapped on the little fellow. The sparrow now thought this was really the end, but the manure warmed him up and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy and able to breathe the sparrow began to sing. The barnyard cat, hearing the chirping, came to investigate. When the cat cleared away the manure, he found the sparrow, and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Everyone who shits on you is not your enemy.

2. Everyone who gets you out of shit is not your friend.

3. If you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut!

The Man Rules

I received the following in an email. (from a female friend, I might add)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1 Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Politics or Sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight...

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.